It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Zombies

Начало книги

“Good King Wenceslas tastes great, we might as well eat Stephen.”

It is universally acknowledged that there are very few literary pursuits which cannot be improved by the addition of Zombies, which are to the written word as cheesy goldfish crackers are to life in general; those little cheesy goldfish crackers also improve nearly everything. Don’t take my word for it—just bust out a bowl of cheesy goldfish crackers at the next funeral you attend and see if you don’t bring some smiles to the grieving. (Just to be safe, make it the funeral of some stranger on the off chance I’m wrong.)

Imagine how much more compelling Hamlet might have been had his father not appeared on the battlements as a ghost but as a brain-eating Zombie. Likewise, how poignant the love story if sweet, damp Ophelia had returned from her drowning in the brook to lay a licking to Hamlet’s medulla oblongata. Think how much easier a time wives today would have getting their husbands to take them to the opera if Wagner had only included a few Zombies in his work. Or even a Zombie or two in an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. (Wait. I’m not sure even Zombies would improve an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical). Even Charles Dickens seems to be overworked with ghosts and short of Zombies. Poor, rotting Tiny Tim having a nosh on Scrooge’s brain at the end of A Christmas Carol would surely warm the spirit as much as any Christmas goose. I mean, he had four ghosts in the story—couldn’t he have substituted at least one Zombie for a ghost? Come on, Chuck. ’Splain, please. Why is there no Zombie of Christmas Future?

Читать дальше →