Humans: A Brief History of How We F*cked It All Up

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3 200 000 BCE: Lucy falls out of a tree and dies. Humanity will repeat this pattern many times over the following 3.2 million years.

70 000 BCE: Modern humans migrate out of Africa, ruining everything for everyone else.

70 000 BCE–40 000 BCE: Really bad period for Neanderthals.

12 000 BCE: Humanity invents war! YAY HUMANITY! GO TEAM!

11 000 BCE: Agriculture is invented, which may also have been an awful mistake tbh.

3000 BCE: The Sumerians and Egyptians invent the idea of “absolute dynastic monarchy.” Thanks for that, Egypt and Sumer!

2334 BCE: Sargon of Akkad goes one further and invents the idea of “empires.” Thanks for that, Sargon!

222 BCE: Qin Shi Huang unites China, searches for elixir of life, dies.

216 BCE: Battle of Cannae. Romans experiment with having two leaders, with opposing strategies. Goes roughly as well as you’d guess.

27 BCE: In excellent news for fans of dictatorship, the Roman Republic becomes the Roman Empire.