A Load of Hooey

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By Miss Sally Penberton, of Miss Sally’s Finishing School and College of Internal Medicine

Hello!

Hello!

Now I am pausing for you to reply, “Hello, Miss Penberton, of Sally Penberton’s Finishing School and College of Internal Medicine!” Very good, girls — except for you, Violet Madison. You sound like a cow. How many times do I have to tell you: one should never speak with one’s mouth open! It is rude for a man to see your tongue before the wedding. Why buy the cow when you can see the tongue for free?

If you are reading this, you have opened and/or purchased Mr. Odenkirk’s book, A Load of Hooey. I am delighted for you, as I’m sure it will guarantee a slew of laughs and between a galette cup and an oyster cup (approx.) of titters. Before you wade in too deeply, however, I would like to remind you all of the golden rule: One Should Never Read a Book on the Toilet.

There are as many reasons One Should Never Read a Book on the Toilet as there are appropriate forks to use at a purebred horse’s wedding (thirty-seven). Posture may be the most important. There are appropriate postures for both reading and for defecating, and neither is compatible with the other. The ideal reading posture is brutally erect, in full dinner corsets (keep tightened to eight inches), one foot up on an ottoman made out of a deceased family dog’s pelt, the book balanced on the tips of the pointer and ring fingers. No other fingertips may be involved. Three fingertips to read a book? HAHAHAHA GOOD JOKE, GIRLS!! I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING!

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