Busted Flush

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I FIND MYSELF AVOIDING the passages about ashes and worms. The pages are thin, almost feathery beneath my fingers as I turn them, looking for another passage that won’t fill my throat with bile. I know my father is dying. I don’t have to read about it.

Here’s one. It reads more like a page out of Lord Dunsany than a collection of musings by long-dead Hebrews. “Who layeth the beams of his chambers in the water: who maketh the clouds his chariot: who walketh upon the wings of the wind.” I have a good voice and I know how to use it. I use it now, softening and deepening the final words. I know he should sleep. I don’t want him to sleep. I want to talk to him. Hear his voice before it’s silenced.

That damn lump is back. I keep swallowing, trying to make it smaller. Through the mullioned panes I can see a glint of sun on the sluggish waters of the Cam. It’s August, and it feels like this endless summer will never end. The room is breathlessly warm, and the heavy air holds that sick/sweet scent of fatal illness. I can feel my shirt clinging to the skin of my back. Outside there’s the sputtering growl of a lawn mower somewhere on the street, and a dog carols his annoyance. I’ll probably need to mow the lawn for my parents, or find a teenager. Through the open window I can smell the green. The branches of the apple tree out back sag under the rosy burdens. Maybe that’s what happens to every living thing when they have to breed.

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