Face of Evil

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In the few minutes before Barney Slezak recorded the gruesome YouTube video that would draw more than a million hits, winning him and his family an all-expense-paid trip to Los Angeles to be on Jimmy Kimmel's show, he was thinking about how much he hated snow.

For starters, snow was blindingly white, which hurt his eyes, was hard to slog through when it piled up, which exhausted him, and was dangerously slippery when it froze, which meant he'd end up taking a hard fall.

For snow to even to exist, it had to be freezing outside, and the chill punctured his flabby flesh like skewers. His muscles shivered to generate heat, his pale skin puckered up to retain warmth, and his dick retreated so far into his shriveled ball sack that he might as well be a eunuch.

Not that he needed his manly equipment when there was snow around. Because when it was cold, his wife, Sophie, went to bed wearing granny pajamas as thick as a bathrobe, puffy slippers, and an Ebenezer Scrooge nightcap, a sight that didn't exactly inflame his libido. But if he used a lot of imagination, and did dare to touch her, she'd elbow him hard in the gut for rustling the sheets and breeching her cocoon of warmth.

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