How We Are Hungry

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I’D GONE TO EGYPT, as a courier, easy. I gave the package to a guy at the airport and was finished and free by noon on the first day. It was a bad time to be in Cairo, unwise at that juncture, with the poor state of relations between our nation and the entire region, but I did it anyway because, at that point in my life, if there was a window at all, however small and discouraged, I would—

I’d been having trouble thinking, finishing things. Words like anxiety and depression seemed apt then, in that I wasn’t interested in the things I was usually interested in, and couldn’t finish a glass of milk without deliberation. But I didn’t stop to ruminate or wallow. Diagnosis would have made it all less interesting.

I’d been a married man, twice; I’d been a man who turned forty among friends; I’d had pets, jobs in the foreign service, people working for me. Years after all that, somewhere in May, I found myself in Egypt, against the advice of my government, with mild diarrhea and alone.

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