Bucky F*cking Dent

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Jose Canucci. That’s what they called him at work. Like he was half Latin and half Italian. Apparently Italian on his father’s side. What part of the boot might the Canuccis hail from? No idea. Maybe his mother was a beautiful Puerto Rican woman from Spanish Harlem. Fuck, that would be funny. His father would have loved that. But was Canucci actually a real name? He didn’t know. They didn’t even pronounce it properly. The fans didn’t say it right up here. They said Can-you-see. The double c pronounced as s. It wasn’t his name anyway. His name was Ted Fullilove. Theodore Lord Fenway Fullilove. Talk about a fucked-up handle. Some frustrated poet at Ellis Island must have jotted down his Russian forebear’s Filinkov or Filipov or Filitov as Fullilove. He went by Ted. Except at work. At work, he was Jose. Or Mr. Peanut.

Maybe he should get a monocle. Like Mr. Peanut, the cartoon advertising mascot of the Planters peanut company. Ted’s dad had been an advertising man, and he wondered if his father had fathered Mr. Peanut as well. Maybe he and Mr. Peanut were half brothers. Mr. Peanut was a friendly stiff in a top hat, a hybrid with the body of a peanut, a walking stick, and a monocle. A sentient nut.

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