Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home

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Dave Barry, 36, has a son, Robert, who began as a baby and successfully reached the age of 3 without becoming an ax murderer or anything, as far as anybody knows.

In addition, Mr. Barry has spent a number of hours thinking about babies, and has observed them in other people’s cars at traffic lights. He also owns a dog, and at the age of 15 completed much of the course required to obtain a Red Cross Senior Lifesaving Badge.

Getting pregnant is an extremely major thing to do, especially for the woman, because she has to become huge and bloated and wear garments the size of café awnings. This is the woman’s job, and it is a tradition dating back thousands of years to a time when men were not available for having babies because they had to stand outside the cave night and day to fend off mastodons.

Of course, there is very little mastodon-fending to be done these days, but men still manage to keep themselves busy, what with buying tires and all. So it is still pretty much the traditional role of the woman to get pregnant and go through labor and have the baby and feed it and nurture it up until it is old enough to throw a football with reasonable accuracy.

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